High School Sweetheart

I was still a nurse in training, completing a nurse externship with my preceptor. You were so easy to care for. Your wife was always right by your side in your room. She was your high school sweetheart, and it was clear as day that she was the absolute love of your life. I wish you two could have continued your beautiful love story forever. Unfortunately, your new diagnosis of leukemia had other plans in mind. I remember saying goodnight before leaving my shift. I told you I would be back in a few days, but when I returned you were gone, forever. I remember my preceptor giving a heads up that you had passed on my day off, so the shock didn’t have to hit me so hard when I returned to work. When I learned of your passing, I was angry. Why did your death have to be so tragic? You didn’t go peacefully, and it was so unexpected. In fact, it was a real ugly code from what I heard from my coworkers. I was confused. I had so many questions that I knew would never be answered. I was devastated. My heart shattered to pieces knowing how much pain this was going to cause your family. To this day, I still remember which room you were in. I remember all the laughs and smiles we shared. I’ll never forget you, and all the love that existed between you and your wife of 46 years. You were the first patient I got close to, the first family who gave me comfort and confidence as a soon-to-be nurse, but unfortunately, also the first big loss I had to grieve as a soon-to-be nurse. “I’m sorry” will never be enough.

No number of years in nursing school could have ever prepared me for the type of pain, grief, and guilt that would quickly and overwhelmingly consume me as a nurse.